All Along You Were Blooming

"Maybe someday I'll point my face right into the mirror and actually feel layer by layer, that I, too am beautiful. Maybe that day can be today. Maybe I can stop looking for symmetry and learn to embrace the blemishes to accept me for me with out the pretense of who I thought I had to be." Morgan Harper Nicolas from All Along You Were Blooming.

This book of poems brought me so much solace in one of the darkest times in my life. I clutched on to the belief that throughout all of the ugliness, I was blooming. Blooming into exactly who I was supposed to be. As I write this- I know that to be true. And on a day to day basis I still struggle to believe it.

There is much to be shared of my story. And there are so many things I want to do. And so, I begin my journey here, sharing what I am learning and doing along the way to believe it.

It was around 2018, when the pretenses I had been living under finally shook. The problem, or I guess the gift it gave me, was that now everything that made me who I was or who I thought I had to be was in question. Needless to say, that meant a lot of change. I wasn't sure who exactly that made me. And as things continue to fall off I am left wondering- Who am I? Who am I without all of the programing of my childhood? Who am I when I am living the fullest expression of myself? Who am I when I let all of what I thought I was supposed to be go? What do I like? What do I want?

I know I am not alone in this feeling, or revolution really. And yet, it feels like I am a lost soul not really understanding this whole humaning thing. I am just here in this human world trying to make sense of stripping away all of the religious, cultural and societal pretenses. Breaking free from all of it feels risky, lonely, and challenging. It's an awakening, a choice I know I want to choose. Yet, the comfort of all patterns is really challenging to stray from. Constantly looking for symmetry.

All along- I've been journaling, reading every self help book I can get my hands on, listening to all the podcasts, changing my habits, the way I eat, the way I work out. I've been setting boundaries, talking to therapists and coaches. Pulling tarot cards, getting energy readings and reiki. Collecting crystals and quotes. Anything to take me deeper into the unknown world of living a life of love and acceptance. To better understand me. To embrace the blemishes.

While I've shared little bits and pieces with those closest to me, I still feel as though I am hiding. As If I have my previous self that everyone knows and this new version of myself that I am becoming- living as two separate beings.

Throughout the cumulation of this self exploration- a deep calling keeps coming up. Share. Show people what this looks like. What a life of faith looks like. A life that comes from truly believing in yourself. Believing in your own knowing. Believing that every layer is beautiful. And that above it all- all of the pretenses we were brought up to believe- our worth is undeniable. Share the depths, share the realness. It's a beautiful life to live and it's heavy.

Every fear comes up, every voice in my head gets louder, every-time I go to share. I get close and then I fall back into the old patterns. I look at every blemish and it keeps me hiding.

I Was Blooming- every time I fall down- I build myself up with what I know- the books, the podcasts, the crystals, the tarot, the yoga, the therapist, the coaches. Each time the fall down is a little less harsh and the build up comes quicker. It takes a lot to zoom out and really see the progress. Each time, I get one step closer.

The last time lead me here to writing this. The limiting beliefs, the voices in my head- I was so tired of not being able to stop them. The frustration was showing up in every area of my life. I sought out a new coach. I was hoping for an assignment- something to read, some inner child work- something my human brain could work out to finally switch off all those voices. What I got was "just start."

She then asked me what life would life look like if I didn't live as this new version of me, and what would it look like if I did. I knew what life looks like when I don't live in my truth, my deeper knowing. It's darker, foggier, heavier. I've lived that life and that's not what I want for myself. When it hurts more to stay still- you know it's time to finally start.

The way to end the voices in your head, is by living the life you know to be true to you and overcoming the fears one by one. Starting builds confidence muscle.

Maybe that day can be today. Today will be that day. The calling is much to pressing on my heart.

As the world keeps pressing on, and more and more people feel like lost souls, I am reminded of how necessary it is that we start looking for new ways to live. New ways to heal.

And thats what I plan on doing here. To start, to learn, to share and to bloom!